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| Birth story in a nutshell...I'll write out a more in depth version for posterity sake but not sure if I'll go public with it.
3:30am-- wake up to some very uncomfortable sensations...feels like really bad gas. Keep waking up every few minutes to attempt to expel gas but to no avail
6:30am-- "gas" pains worse, tell Husband I think I should go to the hospital to get it checked out. He gets really excited.
8:40-- check into triage. Get hooked up to monitors and ladies and gents, we have contractions, not gas!
9:00-- Nurse checks me and I'm 4cm dilated. She says, "You're in labor." My eyes start to water and I tell Husband I'm scared. He's too giddy to notice.
12:45-- been laboring for the last 4 hours, listening to music and silently suffering. I only speak when forced to, or to tell Husband to stop telling me when I'm having a contraction (he can tell on the monitor). My OB tells me I've suffered long enough and go ahead and get the epidural already. I think, "You're absolutely right lady. What was I thinking waiting this long??"
1:06-- anesthesiologist comes by with the epidural. Husband lets it be known that he is working against the health care reform bill. Anesthesiologist ears perk up and he starts ranting and raving and engaging Husband in a conversation about it. I'm fuming inside. At that moment, I hate both of them. In Husband's defense, he did it because he thought we would getter service that way, which I have to admit we did.
Post-epidural-- I am back to my normal self, talking with Husband, enjoying the experience, devouring my sugar-free popsicle.
4:00 -- baby's heartrate dips suddenly. Nurse checks me and I'm 10cm. Excitement abounds.
4:44 -- after 19 eyeball-bursting pushes, threat of forceps, an episiotomy, and an oxygen mask later, baby finally squeezes out. He had the cord wrapped around his neck, causing his heartrate to drop everytime I pushed. Thank goodness he was already so low because I might have had to get a c-section otherwise. OB holds him up for me to see. I think, "Wow, I just gave birth to the reincarnation of the North Korean dictator." I laugh out loud. They vigorously wipe him down and lay him on me. I gaze at him and laugh some more. All this time I thought he would be the spitting image of my father-in-law, and he instead looks like my own dad!
The first couple days in the hospital-- Husband and I are petrified of changing his diaper. Together, we changed one poopy diaper and the way he screamed throughout the entire time made our hair turn white. After that, we asked the nurses to change him for us whenever we could. After the epidural wore off, I realized the curse of Eve indeed applied to me as well. You can't push a human being outside of your body and get away without some serious consequences to your netherregions. Baby is not the only one in diapers.
--second night in hospital--Husband has a very long talk with baby, man-to-man.
The first week -- lots of crying, both baby and me. I wonder if we were cruel to bring him into this world, a world where he knows hunger and cold, discomfort and pain, loneliness and boredom. A world where he has parents who are so afraid of his crazed, feral crying that they are hesitant to change his diaper, bathe him, or do anything that would perturb him for that matter (which was everything that first week). Sleep deprivation sets in and I begin calling him by the wrong names. Pain intensifies and I wonder several times if I'm going to collapse and die. I pray like I've never prayed before. Mostly for mercy. Mercy comes.
The second week -- oh what a difference a week makes. We stop being so afraid of baby. He stops hating everything about life and gets used to us, to diaper changes, to butt baths, etc. He becomes more alert and starts doing that thing all babies innately know how to do to get people to fall in love with them. He smiles, and I don't think it's just gas. My pain starts to diminish and I feel like maybe I won't die after all. I cry tears of unspeakable joy and gratitude one night as I'm trying to rock him to sleep. I think of his wedding day and that mom-son dance, and how he will go off happily with his wife and never look back. I cry at that thought as well.
Overheard at the pediatrician's office:
--is it normal that he has little man boobs? (I confess, that was me). Apparently my hormones entered his body and created baby boobs, and it's normal, and should disappear with time.
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| I don't know who invented the concept of the "push prize" but I like it. I've heard of people receiving diamond rings and designer purses from their husbands as push prizes but here's the list I've been compiling in my head during those late nights when I've been feeding my voracious little monster for hours on end...1) Olay Regenerist facial lotion, 2) Dr. Pepper flavored chapstick, 3) a shopping spree at Ross (one of my all-time favorite stores), 4) a few books I've been meaning to read, 5) a sushi dinner followed by a tall icy tumbler of Pepsi (as opposed to Coke) followed by a glass of champagne followed by a steaming caramel macchiato, caffeinated. These are things I either avoided for the last 40+ weeks, or things I consumed with a side of guilt.
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| Everyone talks about how hard labor/delivery and parenting are, but not enough people talk about the recovery. For me, the "recovery" has been the hardest part so far. It's like this. I have a new job now. A job that I can't quit. My hours are 24/7. My boss knows nothing and cares for nothing except his own needs and wants. He inflicted some serious pain on me last Monday, and I desperately want to call in sick, maybe for just a day so I can try to recover a little bit. At this point, I'll even settle for a good nap. But my boss says, "Tough luck," and so I have to keep running when I can barely walk (literally). If he could only understand that I could serve him better if he'd just give me a little break, but like I said, he only knows his own needs, and he is a total slavedriver. Maybe he is punishing me for having him circumcised the other day. Yeah, that was pretty cruel of me, so I guess one good turn deserves another. My boss is sleeping right now (though he hardly ever sleeps) so that's the only reason I could get away and write about him online. I know people get fired for stuff like this, but alas, he won't fire me. Not now anyway.
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| I'm back. Not for long though. I really shouldn't be spending the little time and energy I have writing a xanga entry, but here I am.
Few thoughts:
1) There's nothing like giving birth to make a modest, shy, prude lose all her inhibitions. Can't count how many total strangers have seen me in my birthday suit and stuck fingers in my orifices since Monday.
2) If you're going to have a baby, make sure it's with a really good baby daddy (to the extent that you can)--my baby's daddy is not available obviously, but you can use him as an example
3) Stool softener--pop them like candy until you feel sure that you can have a bowel movement without dying. For me, the first bowel movement a couple days after giving birth was more traumatic than the birth itself.
4) Labor pains can feel a lot like really bad gas. In other words, they say it's always obvious when you're going into labor, but it's not necessarily the case.
5) You can't predict how you're going to react when you see your baby for the first time. I thought for sure I would cry tears of joy, but there were surprisingly no tears. As soon as my doctor showed him to me, I laughed out loud. He had all of this black hair that was nappy/curly from the gunk, and he looked just like a baby North Korean dictator at birth.
6) Sleep deprivation, expect it. I've called my baby Jonah and Jonathan since I brought him home, neither of which are his name.
7) Epidural. From my personal experience, a godsend. I'll write more about it at some other date.
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| My cervix must be made of steel. Either that or this baby is a total slacker. Well, I guess I can't blame him. Where he is right now, he never goes hungry, the temperature is perfect all the time, and no one bothers him. Who wants to enter this crazy, scary world, especially in VA where the weather is terrible half the year and good food is hard to come by? And where he has a mom who fully intends to dress him in a Santa suit at Christmas time and put a hat on him with bear ears for kicks?
My little brother wrote his nephew a letter, for his nephew's eyes only. I'm guessing this baby is probably not going to know how to read until he's about 4 or 5, and then it'll take several more years before he reaches a level of maturity and intellect needed to fully understand the contents of the letter. I guess that means I need to keep this letter in safe place until possibly 2021 or beyond? Baby isn't born yet and he's already receiving correspondence! He even has a couple emails waiting for him in the inbox of the email account I opened up on his behalf. I have to admit though that I've abused the account by sending a couple emails to Husband and Sister, fraudulently posing as him, and using him to further my own agendas.
Baby has already expressed to Husband his preference for CA over VA as a future domicile.
Baby has strongly emphasized to my sister the need for her to hurry up and get the flu vaccine.
I think Baby is soon going to write an email to my dad and brother, urging them to finally kick the nicotine habit once and for all. And telling my brother not to curse so much in his rap songs.
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